The Parenticide Club

MP3 Audio CD. The Parenticide Club

MY FAVORITE MURDER


Having murdered my mother under circumstances of singular atrocity, I
was arrested and put upon my trial, which lasted seven years. In
charging the jury, the judge of the Court of Acquittal remarked that
it was one of the most ghastly crimes that he had ever been called
upon to explain away.

At this, my attorney rose and said:

"May it please your Honor, crimes are ghastly or agreeable only by
comparison. If you were familiar with the details of my client's
previous murder of his uncle you would discern in his later offense
(if offense it may be called) something in the nature of tender
forbearance and filial consideration for the feelings of the victim.
The appalling ferocity of the former assassination was indeed
inconsistent with any hypothesis but that of guilt; and had it not
been for the fact that the honorable judge before whom he was tried
was the president of a life insurance company that took risks on
hanging, and in which my client held a policy, it is hard to see how
he could decently have been acquitted. If your Honor would like to
hear about it for instruction and guidance of your Honor's mind, this
unfortunate man, my client, will consent to give himself the pain of
relating it under oath."

The district attorney said: "Your Honor, I object. Such a statement
would be in the nature of evidence, and the testimony in this case is
closed. The prisoner's statement should have been introduced three
years ago, in the spring of 1881."